Who Cooked This?

by Frank

Turkey

Is this the only thing not burnt?

I don’t know if this has only happened to me but I have been invited over for some holiday dinners that were lacking talent in the cooking department. I mean you figure with a meal that is cooked this often,you do it twice a year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, that they have to have the craft down by now. I know you are too nice to say it but just like me you have had the dry turkey, the overcooked yams, and the burnt mac and cheese. Why would they do this? Don’t they know this is the time of year I am allowed to stuff myself just like the turkey should be? Well some peoples food makes me want to go on a diet. A diet on Thanksgiving.

I don’t blame the cook. Why should I? It is not their fault no one has told them the truth. How can you go up to someone on Thanksgiving and say, “No thanks.” It just doesn’t fit. Well you are in luck today because I am going to give you some survival tips on how to make it through Turkey day when the food is disappointing. Not only will I share with you how to avoid the gag reflex. I will tell you how to help the poor cook improve their craft. Or lack of craft.

Now the tips that I am sharing with you are very valuable because I have been using them for years. If the people who I am talking about read this two possible things will happen. One of them is they will hunt me down and kill me or two I will never be able to use these techniques again. So I hope they are worth it to you.

Tip # 1

Exercise the funny bone. 

You have to do anything to distract yourself and other people away from the food. I have done things like bringing up embarassing stories of things that happened 10 years ago to get people to laugh. Picture this. I stuck my fork down into a puddle of extremely loose stuffing that resembled diarrhea and before it touched my lips I looked over at the person sitting next to me and said, “Do you remember when I fell out of that tree at the family reunion?” I created the perfect diversion. We laughed and talked about that for 30 minutes which leads me to my next tip.

Tip #2

Distract and Return

I am a firm believer of not wasting food. So, instead of waiting for everyone to look away and throw my food in the trash, I distract them with a story like in tip one and return my food back to the serving dish slowly. Now there is a special technique that I use that I call the de-fill, the opposite of refill. When you watch me it actually looks like I am putting more food on my plate. I should copyright this before I share it.

What I do is put my plate right next to the serving dish. Then I take a big scoop of whatever it is that I want to return off my plate, wait for my distraction, then slowly lower it into the bowl. When peoples attention return I take a much, much smaller scoop and return it to my plate making it look as if I am getting more.

Tip #3

Compliment and Recommend

This one is down right genius if you ask me. After the dinner is consumed and you have avoided the terrible dish successfully, approach the cook and say your “….” was good, I know a great recipe that will make it great. To get buy in start by telling them about how good the great recipe is. In order to increase you conversion rate use all the senses to describe it.

Ex: This mac and cheese is so mouthwatering cheesy that I had to go to confessional afterwards for watching food porn. The way the cheese burst in small bubbles as it slowly baked in the oven and the smell of melting mozzarella made me feel weak  in the knees. I said I have got to tell (fill in bad cooks name) about this recipe.

Now before you go out and put these tips into effect I would like to ask that if you fail please do not tell them you got them from me. Use them at your own risk. It took me years to master them and a lot of trial and error. It was mostly error. None the less these tips are very important if you find yourself asking people the title of this post on Thanksgiving Day.

Make today the best day of you life.